(Midge is at the breakfast table. Apparently I like breakfast tables more than I knew. She’s sitting by herself. The doorbell rings. She gets up. She’s in her robe so she covers herself. She goes to answer the door.)
MIDGE
Hello?
(At the door is Robert, a traveling salesman.)
ROBERT
Hello there! I’m Robert, am I speaking to the decision maker in the house?
MIDGE
My husband left, so I guess that makes me the defecto decision maker of the house.
ROBERT
(This has obviously taken him off guard of his normal flow of speech.)
Oh…I see…my condolences…well then I’d like to tell you about some exciting things that I’m selling.
MIDGE
Is it jesus? Or some weird religion? Because those are the only type of people we get coming around door to door.
ROBERT
No no religion just some exciting items that…
MIDGEE
So you’re a door to door salesman?
ROBERT
I am yes. Now can I tell you about what I have?
MIDGE
I didn’t think people still…did that. Like Avon ladies or selling knives. I thought it went out the door with the surge of the internet.
ROBERT
Well there are still some of us that enjoy the country air and talking to people.
MIDGE
The country? This is the suburbs. There are three Starbucks within walking distance.
ROBERT
First let’s start with…
MIDGEE
Are you a robot?
ROBERT
What?
MIDGE
The only way this makes sense to me is if you’re a robot or something. I can see that…make the old people happy by bringing them back to the says of yore where you could buy knives from a person who rings your doorbell. That makes sense in 2025…so are you a robot.
ROBERT
(Too long of a pause.)
No…I’m not a robot.
MIDGE
I’m on to you, that’s exactly the kind of cover a robot would have. No matter. Sure sure me your wares not robot robot. WAIT! Can I offer you coffee?
ROBERT
I don’t really drink coffee…
MIDGE
SEE ROBOT!
ROBERT
Fine. Just to prove to you I’m not a robot I would love a cup of coffee.
(they go over to the table. Midge gets a coffee cup and pours coffee. She tops her own cup up. They sit at the table in silence.)
ROBERT
So do you want to tell me about your husband while we drink this coffee.
(She is looking at him in anticipation. He gives her what she wants and takes a sip of the coffee.)
MIDGE
What’s to talk about really. He came home one night and said he had fallen in love with another woman.
ROBERT
Someone contrived and overdone like his assistant.
MIDGE
Yes. How did you know that?
ROBERT
Robot intuition? Kidding.
MIDGE
I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t have very much money saved up and he’s a lawyer he’s going to take me for all I’ve got. I don’t suppose you’re selling door to door legal council?
ROBERT
I am not unfortunately.
MIDGE
So what are you selling?
(Robert is starting to set up stuff for his presentation.)
I hope it’s a knife or something to off myself with.
(As she’s saying this Robert has indeed taken some knives out and then promptly puts them away concerned.)
I saw that.
Ok so if you’re not a robot why are you selling items door to door?
ROBERT
I don’t know I just woke up one day and looked at my stagnant life and thought, what if I could just go see the world. See how different types of people live.
MIDGE
So how long have you been doing this?
ROBERT
About a year.
MIDGE
Do you make friends with people you meet. How many cups of coffee have you had at strangers’ tables this month?
ROBERT
It runs the gamut. Some people slam the door in my face. I’ve been chances by a lot of dogs. Especially Chihuahuas.
MIDGE
God they’re the worst.
ROBERT
But then every once in awhile I seem to come around at the right time when someone needs me and I’d like to think I help them. This coffee is quite good.
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A cross between Iris Apfel, Miriam Margoles, Lucille Ball. But I am a devoted maximalist through and through. Although, as another inspiration once said
Style—all who have it share one thing: originality.
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