This quote recently appeared on my phone via the Instagram account for 365 Days of Thought
“Any day spent with you is my favorite day.” – A.A. Milne, via Winnie the Pooh
The quote was followed by the question:
Who would you spend today with if you could?
So answer that question of who you’d spend the day with if you could,
Or who your character would spend the day with if they could.
Or, as usual, ignore me and write whatever you want.
SCENE [N]
(The setting is a playground. A young slightly effeminate boy sits on a swing. His mother stands chiding him.)
MOTHER
I just wish sometimes you would play the games the other little boys want to play.
BRIAN
I tried to play with them. I gave them scenarios to play and they didn’t want to do any of them.
MOTHER
The plot to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane is not something you reenact in the playground with the other boys.
BRIAN
It started an entire genre and gave us one of the most influential feuds in all of Hollywood History!
MOTHER
Keep this up and there will be NO MORE Ryan Murphy shows for you young man.
BRIAN
Fine, I’ll just sit here on this dumb swing and not say anything that’ll upset you.
MOTHER
THANK YOU. I’m going to go over and have a cigarette, keep up the butch…I mean good work.
(She exits)
BRIAN
I wish my life were something out of a mid century movie.
(Auntie LANE enters, a children’s imaginary friend in the style of Auntie Mame.)
LANE
Darling! There you are!
BRIAN
Who me?
LANE
Is there another handsomely dashing young fellow somewhere around that I’m not seeing?
BRIAN
(He laughs.)
I guess not! I wouldn’t call any of the meatheads around here anything of that sort. Who are you?
LANE
Why darling, I’m your Auntie Lane!
BRIAN
Mom!
(Brian’s Mother reenters.)
MOTHER
Brian what is it?!
BRIAN
Mom you didn’t tell me you had a fabulous sister!
MOTHER
You mean your Aunt Liz?
BRIAN
No, she wears flannel and drinks beer.
LANE
Oh my, my, my how dreadful.
BRIAN
I mean this woman here who is dripping in diamonds and smells tastefully of…
(He gets up and walks over to her and sniffs)
Channel No. 5?
LANE
Good nose!
MOTHER
Brian is this another one of your weird games because I can’t take it, and neither can my hair. It barely grew back after the perm debacle.
BRIAN
But mom she’s RIGHT THERE!
LANE
I’m afraid, darling, she can’t see me. I’m a bit of your old subconscious playing tricks on you.
BRIAN
Like you’re an imaginary friend come to life from the movies?
LANE
Yes, I suppose that’s right.
BRIAN
Didn’t Woody Allen already kind of do that in Play It Again, Sam?
LANE
Woody Who?
BRIAN
I can’t even tell if my subconscious is going dramaturgy because Roz Russell wouldn’t know who Woody Allen is or if my subconscious is chic enough to create a lady that would refuse to believe Woody Allen exists.
LANE
Why choose just one I say?
BRIAN
So what are we supposed to do now? I have a middle aged imaginary Aunt. Is this supposed to make my gay little life easier.
LANE
That’s right darling we’ll have gay times!
BRIAN
No I think we’re talking about different things.
LANE
We need to ring up the bootlegger it’s time for a party.
BRIAN
Prohibition ended a long time ago, Lane!
LANE
Here he is now!
(There is suddenly jazz music playing and a crowd of people. Brian goes around trying to shoo them away. His mother, not being able to see any of this, is very concerned.)
MOTHER
I knew he’d go full Tennessee Williams hero crazy eventually but I thought he’d make it to puberty. We’re leaving.
(She drags him off stage)
BRIAN
Bye Lane it’s been good to meet you!
LANE
Oh don’t you worry, remember I’m in your subconscious I’ll see you at home darling!
END
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A cross between Iris Apfel, Miriam Margoles, Lucille Ball. But I am a devoted maximalist through and through. Although, as another inspiration once said
Style—all who have it share one thing: originality.
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