Because it’s my favorite, I’m offering up this challenge again, our end of the first week tradition – authored by Aaron Sawyer from Red Theater in Chicago back in November 2015 (my first writing challenge as a participant):
“Write something that only you understand and that probably only you enjoy.
If you’re not giggling to yourself or blushing you’re doing it wrong.
Listen to your Id. Be naughty! Be coded.Be fun.
Comment on your work as you do it.
Break and forget any and every rule except that writing can be FUN.
SCENE
(We open in the administrative tent of a women’s music event. At lights up Libby is the only one in the tent. She’s in her early 20s, a pa at the festival. Also a bit of a nepo baby, but more about that later. She is trying to unload cases of kombucha)
LIBBY
Only 5 more to go….4…
(In enters Sarah, her boss. Sara is the main point person for this whole operation.)
SARAH
Libby do you need help?
LIBBY
No I can do it!
(She obviously needs help.)
SARAH
Here I’ll get the last one here.
LIBBY
Thanks but I can do it, I’m a strong woman. I don’t want you to treat me any differently because of who my father is.
SARAH
You don’t have to kill yourself proving your worth to us. You’re not in one of those bro-y music festivals. You’re at Lilith Fair, we’re all women here, we’re all just here to help each other get the best possible experience for our audience that we can.
LIBBY
Ok, I just don’t want you to spoil me because…
SARAH
Listen Libby, your dad runs one of the biggest ticketing websites in the concert world. He’s a genius but is also…I’m sorry if this offends you..a giant piece of shit.
LIBBY
No that’s fair.
SARAH
If anything I should be checking in on you to make sure you’re ok, let me know if anyone is picking on you in any way.
LIBBY
No no! Everyone has been so sweet and supportive, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m just so happy to be here, to be doing something positive for my gender. My dad doesn’t want me to be here, did I tell you that?
SARAH
Only like 5 or 6 times.
LIBBY
Sorry, I’ve just never stood up for what I wanted like this. I’m proud of myself.
SARAH
(She smiles)
Well I’m proud of you! Now that the kombucha is dealt with we can go on to bigger and better things.
LIBBY
I’m ready Sar! What can I do? Arrange set lists? Help with all the headliners’ cats? Just say the word.
SARAH
Woah woah, I don’t think you’re ready for the big leagues like that yet. I need you to go check on all the port-a-potties and make sure they all have toilet paper.
LIBBY
(Disappointed)
Oh ok.
SARAH
Listen, that is an important task I’ve asked you to do! You’re at a festival with 50,000 people, almost 90% women or non binary. They need toilet paper. May the goddess lead you.
LIBBY
(In awe of this pep talk)
May she flow through me.
(She exits)
SARAH
May she also flow through the toilets without delay! Was I ever that young and full of hope? I mean yes but it was the Obama administration, hope seemed much more plentiful in those days. In those days? Will you listen to me, I sound like a guest star on The Love Boat.
(She goes over to the landline telephone that’s been installed. She dials.)
Hey! Is this Brandi? Oh I’m sorry I should have been more specific, Brandi R? Oh good! Hey! Isn’t it such a trip having to use these landlines, I feel like I’m suddenly 14 asking my best friend’s mom if she’s home. Yeah I totally fucked her am I a lesbian or am I a lesbian. Listen is Autumn there? When did she leave to come here? You sure it was 15 minutes ago? I just heard a rumor that she’s being let go from the tour. I mean the better question would be why wouldn’t she be? I say this in the spirit of sisterhood. She’s a mess, she’s always high. Yes she’s one of the most talented performers I’ve ever seen but she’s kind of a nightmare for us in the front office.
(Autumn enters. She is indeed, a mess.)
AUTUMN
Heyyyy girl.
SARAH
Gotta go.
(She hangs up.)
Hey Autumn what’s going on?
AUTUMN
I was just using one of those cocaine pods.
SARAH
What are you talking about? Are you talking about the port-a-potties?
AUTUMN
That can’t be what those are called why would anyone pee in there when they have a perfectly good bathroom in their dressing room.
SARAH
The audience members don’t have dressing rooms, Autumn. But YOU have a dressing room, a big one…so why weren’t you using it?
AUTUMN
(Like this is the most natural thing in the world)
I put my plants in the shower to water them and I can’t have them seeing me do drugs, Sarah. What kind of mother figure would I be?
SARAH
Sure…so you were in the port…cocaine pods…
AUTUMN
And the strangest ghost broke in to accost me.
SARAH
Ghost?
AUTUMN
White and billow-y all over.
SARAH
(Figuring it out)
Toilet paper. You didn’t scare her did you?
AUTUMN
What about what she did to me? I threw my cocaine at her and screamed. That ghost owes me money.
SARAH
That wasn’t a ghost that was our new PA who just happens to be Peter Wren’s daughter. You need to go easy on her.
AUTUMN
The Ticketmaster guy has a ghost daughter?
SARAH
Nevermind. What do you want Autumn?
AUTUMN
I wanted to ask for another back up singer for the next town.
SARAH
What’s wrong with the ones you have? And I don’t think we can add anyone else…especially for a future location.
AUTUMN
My new girlfriend, she has an amazing voice an she needs to get away from this one stoplight town.
SARAH
We’re in Boulder, CO, one stoplight town?
AUTUMN
Come on, she’s my everything see what you can do.
SARAH
Alright, I’ll see but you are not in a position to be asking for more. You need to get yourself together, Mara is not happy with you.
AUTUMN
Oh God forbid I don’t bow down to our ethereal perfect earth mother.
SARAH
Fuck earth mother, she’s your boss. This is her festival. You piss her off and you’re gone, and contrary to popular believe I don’t want that to happen. You’re a pain in the ass but you’re fucking talented. So stop screwing up.
AUTUMN
You were always a whiz at pep talks.
SARAH
I’m serious! We go way back but you’re on your last leg of everyone’s patience, including mine.
AUTUMN
Ay ay Captain. I’m going to go get the rest of my cocaine back from that ghost.
(She exits)
Leave the ghost and the cocaine alone Autumn!
TO BE CONTINUED
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A cross between Iris Apfel, Miriam Margoles, Lucille Ball. But I am a devoted maximalist through and through. Although, as another inspiration once said
Style—all who have it share one thing: originality.
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